Sexiest thing in the world

you know what is sexy ?

An Effort

for anyone , there is no easy life. 

everyone has their own battle that cannot comprehend.

and here is my story.

we make plans but sometimes it doesn't works as we planned, 

we make decisions but sometimes we regret it, 

but what we can do at the end is learn from all of our mistakes.

break up is never easy, especially breaking up from someone who i once loved so much.

it hurts , aches anywhere , mentally and physically,

and guess what ? 

you become someone completely different .

questioning questioning, 

wondering why i was never enough , 

what went wrong ?

but that's  not what i want to tell.

instead, how it left me in pain and how it shaped me to be who i am today.

the pain that i couldnt't stand, 

i lost weight, 

i lost my soul.

breaking up in the middle of me doing my thesis, which i planned to finish in that semester, I wanted to graduate in my 3.5th year, and I failed.

Disappeared from my college for almost two months till my first examiner contacted me to meet her. .

you know what i did ? 

I hid from reality and didn't show up.
it was hard to wake up every single day.

i was so stressed, i knew i'm not ready to continue my thesis, i need stability.

i were looking for a job and i got it, i worked as a barista in the biggest coffee brand in the world, as the way for me to escape from reality to help me forget the pain .

did it work???? 

yaaaaashh it did! but it was never easy hahahaha.

it was full of pressure , and it took a lot of my energy .

i work from 2pm  and get home at 3am .

i wasn't only making coffee

i clean every single things , did greasetrap , calibration , balancing , counting money and much more . it drained my energy it took a lot of my time.

and the next day i had to wake up at 11 am and had to work again from 1am, repeating the cycle five times in a week.

i don't even have time for myself . 

i'll be available on my phone just around 2am-4am or 11am-1pm.

i was so hard to be contacted.

until one day i realized i had responsibility with my thesis , my plan to graduate in my 3.5^th year already failed, just don't make it worse by finishing it late, i have to make it on time .

and once again my life became harder .

the feeling of giving up came in many times. i was thinking that i don't want to finish my study,  just let it be. 

just because it didn’t go as smooth as i imagined .

i showed up in college and everyone was like

"bitchhhh where have you been?"

"tara you look skinnier are you sick?"

"are you okay?"

"faaak i missed youuu"

my thesis it's not something common in my major, it was kind of harder than the others and i did regret it, like "ngapain sih aku dulu sok sok an penelitian yang susah gini" the old me used to be idealist and cocky. i didn’t want easy things and mainstream used by most students wkwkwk. 

mamam tuh .

used three hundred sample in two different location and i did it by myself.

i asked my manager to give me a proper schedule so i can finish my research.

i always request day off every monday-tuesday and the rest of weekdays i still can't believe i survived.

i improved my skill in the store trying to finish my work before 2am because i had to be in college at 8am and work at 2pm.

it was such a difficult hell thing to do but i'm proud i made it.

weekend? i'm working :)

FYI i live in south Surabaya, study in west Surabaya and worked in north Surabaya hehe.

in the workplace? i got a lot of pressure. 

everyday i had to learn new things they expected me to take a higher role.

i was responsible in making high sales every day, maintain UPT, AT, shot, category, additional, and all those shit words. 

and like others, there is a bad day and there is a good day.

once again it was never easy doing it in the same time. work and college life in the final year, while nursing my heartbreak

the day of sidang came, ready or not i had to face it because i had to graduate that semester. 

you know sometimes bad day happen. 

and here is the disaster, 

my mistake was, I forgot to replace the old assessment tools in my research with the new one, and my teacher was so angry with me, she said that I didn’t take this thesis seriously and she hated it . 

i asked for her apologize because actually it was my mistake and I was trying to show her the right tools but she refused it and ya doi nggondok dong ~~

i cried , cried a river because ya it was my mistake and i didn’t mean to make her angry.

i called my best friend, and she was speechless when she heard me crying. she said "I never heard you cry like this".

I regret it so fucking much, it's my fault, 

I was afraid that I won’t pass or if i passed with a bad score. i need to improve my score because it was terjun bebas in my last semester.

when my friends coming I tried to cherish it , and one thing for sure in that day is that i'm blessed to be surrounded by good people, they are my treasure.

revisian days coming, my first examiner had a miscarriage and she needed time to recover, it took almost 2 months, and my thesis needed her evaluation, but I didn’t get it because she was in her hometown.

My second examiner who was angry with me during the sidang won't accept me she said she won't met me. 

i still remember that day clearly, 

i waited for her since 10am. she showed up at 2pm, me and my friend were ready to meet her to ask for evaluation and she was like "yang butuh saya silahkan masuk kedalam ruangan saya , tara saya nggamau ketemu kamu . yang lainnya silahkan masuk"

that hurtsss so fckinnn much you know, i cried and my seniors who saw that drama cried as well, she couldn’t believe that my teacher was still super angry with me. 

all i did on that day was I prayed, i tried to convinence myself, after every difficulties there will be great things waiting for me. maybe it's time for me to learn merendah dan sabar.

i was jealous with some of my friend they finished their revisi just 2 weeks after sidang and me? it took 2 months, I needed to wait for my teacher who was still recovering and I almost lost my chance to graduate that semester . I just had 1 week left because the date of submission was almost over.

it was Sunday, and i have to upload my thesis in Monday. I need my Kajur sign as a requirement and he was going to Papua at 4pm, he lived in gresik and I had to work at 2pm.

in that day i got home at 3am, and woke up at 7am.

I went to gresik by motorcycle, came to his house and asked for his sign and arrived home at 12am then went to work at 2pm.

if I look back on those days i can't believe i made it

I was struggling

but i survived

I submitted my thesis at around 11 am , and you know what ? my friend who submitted her thesis at 2am lost her chance to graduate in that semester, the quota already full

i learnt that if I didn’t put my best effort the result might have been different.

less sleep it's okay

driving far away, because i had to graduate that semester.

Exhausted, it's a consequence, because it was my responsibility who took part-time job.

be patient it's an obligation, because it was my fault being careless

have a good assumption to God, because if I didn’t, maybe wouldn’t be able to write this story.

i'm proud, i went through all those difficulties , and i'm blessed i always have good people to be around and lean on. don't ask me how many times i wanted to give up.

surely it's not fckin easy , never at all.

there is days when i breakdown because things take me back to my past, i cried for a night and I ended up drunk

there is a day when my research got didn’t work out. Desperate, i got angry to everyone in my home and decided to quit from my thesis

there is a day when i made mistakes in the store, and my manager said that he was disappointed with me, and i cried again

there is a day when my supervisor told me to go back home because he saw me crying and having a breakdown

it was hard i find myself sobbing towards the end.
it was painful

but once again, i learnt.

i tried...

again...

again...

once more...

healing process is never easy. and everyone is fighting their own battle that we probably can't comprehend. that tragedy changed me into who I am today and more or less i changed. it forced to be tough, to be independent, to be brave. and yes, I transformed.

stay firm out of our struggles, our faith will emerge stronger than before.