you know what is sexy ?
An Effort
for anyone , there is no easy
life.
everyone has their own battle that cannot comprehend.
and here is my
story.
we make plans but sometimes it
doesn't works as we planned,
we make decisions but sometimes we regret it,
but what we can do at the end is learn from all of our mistakes.
break up is never easy,
especially breaking up from someone who i once loved so much.
it hurts , aches
anywhere , mentally and physically,
and guess what ?
you become someone
completely different .
questioning questioning,
wondering why i was never enough ,
what went wrong ?
but that's not what i
want to tell.
instead, how it left me in pain and how it shaped me to be who i am
today.
the pain that i couldnt't
stand,
i lost weight,
i lost my soul.
breaking up in the middle of me
doing my thesis, which i planned to finish in that semester, I wanted to
graduate in my 3.5th year, and I failed.
Disappeared from my college for
almost two months till my first examiner contacted me to meet her. .
you know what i did ?
I hid
from reality and didn't show up.
it was hard to wake up every single day.
it was hard to wake up every single day.
i was so stressed, i knew i'm
not ready to continue my thesis, i need stability.
i were looking for a job and i
got it, i worked as a barista in the biggest coffee brand in the world, as the
way for me to escape from reality to help me forget the pain .
did it work????
yaaaaashh it
did! but it was never easy hahahaha.
it was full of pressure , and
it took a lot of my energy .
i work from 2pm and get
home at 3am .
i wasn't only making coffee
i clean every single things ,
did greasetrap , calibration , balancing , counting money and much more . it
drained my energy it took a lot of my time.
and the next day i had to wake
up at 11 am and had to work again from 1am, repeating the cycle five times in a
week.
i don't even have time for
myself .
i'll be available on my phone just around 2am-4am or 11am-1pm.
i was so hard to be contacted.
until one day i realized i had
responsibility with my thesis , my plan to graduate in my 3.5th year
already failed, just don't make it worse by finishing it late, i have to make
it on time .
and once again my life became
harder .
the feeling of giving up came
in many times. i was thinking that i don't want to finish my
study, just let it be.
just because it didn’t
go as smooth as i imagined .
i showed up in college and
everyone was like
"bitchhhh where have you
been?"
"tara you look skinnier
are you sick?"
"are you okay?"
"faaak i missed
youuu"
my thesis it's not something common
in my major, it was kind of harder than the others and i did regret it, like
"ngapain sih aku dulu sok sok an penelitian yang susah gini" the old
me used to be idealist and cocky. i didn’t want easy things and mainstream used
by most students wkwkwk.
mamam tuh .
used three hundred sample in
two different location and i did it by myself.
i asked my manager to give me a
proper schedule so i can finish my research.
i always request day off every
monday-tuesday and the rest of weekdays i still can't believe i survived.
i improved my skill in the
store trying to finish my work before 2am because i had to be in college at 8am
and work at 2pm.
it was such a difficult hell
thing to do but i'm proud i made it.
weekend? i'm working :)
FYI i live in south Surabaya,
study in west Surabaya and worked in north Surabaya hehe.
in the workplace? i got a lot
of pressure.
everyday i had to learn new things they expected me to take a higher
role.
i was responsible in making
high sales every day, maintain UPT, AT, shot, category, additional, and all
those shit words.
and like others, there is a bad day and there is a good day.
once again it was never easy doing
it in the same time. work and college life in the final year, while nursing my heartbreak
the day of sidang came, ready
or not i had to face it because i had to graduate that semester.
you know
sometimes bad day happen.
and here is the disaster,
my mistake was, I forgot to
replace the old assessment tools in my research with the new one, and my
teacher was so angry with me, she said that I didn’t take this thesis seriously
and she hated it .
i asked for her apologize because actually it was my
mistake and I was trying to show her the right tools but she refused it and ya
doi nggondok dong ~~
i cried , cried a river
because ya it was my mistake and i didn’t mean to make her angry.
i called my best friend, and
she was speechless when she heard me crying. she said "I never heard you
cry like this".
I regret it so fucking much,
it's my fault,
I was afraid that I won’t pass or if i passed with a bad score.
i need to improve my score because it was terjun bebas in my last semester.
when my friends coming I tried
to cherish it , and one thing for sure in that day is that i'm blessed to be
surrounded by good people, they are my treasure.
revisian days coming, my first
examiner had a miscarriage and she needed time to recover, it took almost 2
months, and my thesis needed her evaluation, but I didn’t get it because she
was in her hometown.
My second examiner who was angry with me during the sidang won't
accept me she said she won't met me.
i still remember that day clearly,
i waited
for her since 10am. she showed up at 2pm, me and my friend were ready to meet
her to ask for evaluation and she was like "yang butuh saya silahkan masuk
kedalam ruangan saya , tara saya nggamau ketemu kamu . yang lainnya silahkan
masuk"
that hurtsss so fckinnn much you
know, i cried and my seniors who saw that drama cried as well, she couldn’t believe
that my teacher was still super angry with me.
all i did on that day was I prayed,
i tried to convinence myself, after every difficulties there will be great
things waiting for me. maybe it's time for me to learn merendah dan sabar.
i was jealous with some of my
friend they finished their revisi just 2 weeks after sidang and me? it took 2 months,
I needed to wait for my teacher who was still recovering and I almost lost my
chance to graduate that semester . I just had 1 week left because the
date of submission was almost over.
it was Sunday, and i have to
upload my thesis in Monday. I need my Kajur sign as a requirement and he was
going to Papua at 4pm, he lived in gresik and I had to work at 2pm.
in that day i got home at 3am, and woke up
at 7am.
I went to gresik by motorcycle,
came to his house and asked for his sign and arrived home at 12am then went to
work at 2pm.
if I look back on those
days i can't believe i made it
I was struggling
but i survived
I submitted my thesis at around
11 am , and you know what ? my friend who submitted her thesis at 2am lost her
chance to graduate in that semester, the quota already full
i learnt that if I didn’t put
my best effort the result might have been different.
less sleep it's okay
driving far away, because i had
to graduate that semester.
Exhausted, it's a consequence,
because it was my responsibility who took part-time job.
be patient it's an obligation,
because it was my fault being careless
have a good assumption to God,
because if I didn’t, maybe wouldn’t be able to write this story.
i'm proud, i went through
all those difficulties , and i'm blessed i always have good people to be around
and lean on. don't ask me how many times i wanted to give up.
surely it's not fckin easy ,
never at all.
there is days when i breakdown
because things take me back to my past, i cried for a night and I ended up
drunk
there is a day when my research
got didn’t work out. Desperate, i got angry to everyone in my home and decided
to quit from my thesis
there is a day when i made
mistakes in the store, and my manager said that he was disappointed with me,
and i cried again
there is a day when my
supervisor told me to go back home because he saw me crying and having a breakdown
it was hard i find myself sobbing towards the end.
it was painful
it was hard i find myself sobbing towards the end.
it was painful
but once again, i learnt.
i tried...
again...
again...
once more...
healing process is never easy.
and everyone is fighting their own battle that we probably can't comprehend.
that tragedy changed me into who I am today and more or less i changed. it forced
to be tough, to be independent, to be brave. and yes, I transformed.
stay firm out of our struggles,
our faith will emerge stronger than before.
